The Search for Holeness

(Image above: Etienne Leopold Trouvelot, Electric discharges to the surface and edge of a coin obtained with a Ruhmkorff coil or Wimshurst machine, ca. 1888)

I believe love is real... but it is no small feat determining where it's to be found amidst our endless projections. Still, I will now audaciously try and tease out love's parameters versus the mind's disabilities. 

(In essence, romance as we know it.) 

"Wisdom tells me I'm nothing. Love tells me I'm everything. Between the two my life flows." Nisargadatta Maharaj

Now don't expect an attempt at defining "love's" nebulous constituents here. I think our grasp of it is similar to our current understanding of human intuition. Both are ineffable forces so often denied, but unquestionably sustained in the fabric of our societal constructs. 

When science tries to formulate some semblance of the love experience, I believe they are actually mapping our survival-based impediments to perceiving love. To be more clear, in the same way our brains skew otherwise peaceful existences into anxiety-inducing nightmares, I believe the brain commits identical crimes in our relationships. 

If we are to imagine love as a more enduring force, not entirely survival-based, scientific attachment theories then become a teacup holding an ocean. In no way can they encapsulate the entirety of the romantic experience, but they can serve to make sense of the distress inherent in our brains applying a rigid, childhood attachment paradigm to a complex, multi-dimensional, adult relationship. 

This clouding of our relationships with old matrices of secure attachment is where I find we catapult away from the accuracy of circumstances. Like all of the brain's fear-based obstructions to reality, I believe these attachment devices are our biggest obstruction to perceiving the flow of love available to us.

To understand how attachment styles impact us, consider your conditions for experiencing security in relationship. Can you trace these conditions back to your caregivers? When a partner expresses love in a way that doesn't meet these conditions, how do you feel? Have you had conflicts around your specific love conditions needing to be met for the relationship to work? This demonstrates one facet of attachment theory's manipulation of current circumstances. 

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi

At this point, I've asserted how I believe our brain mishandles who we are in relation to "the other". Now to try and understand what it means to experience "the other" as a mirror of ourselves. This is where we tussle with parts of ourselves in a strange outward demonstration. 

The concept of "merging lives" is just asking to be a hotbed for subconscious processes made manifest. I specifically observe romantic relationships as the outward expression of a psyche seeking wholeness. For example, a repressed teenage girl fantasizing about escaping with a man on a motorcycle, an elderly man seeking a second go at youth through a younger partner, or simply an insecure person seeking external validation. I find the more voids, the more a partner becomes distorted as an intoxicating means for fulfillment.

More often than not I find it is not "love" people are seeking, but a filling of the gaps. When romance is used in this way, I find little to be more obscuring of our clear perception of another human being. If we are to imagine an inward, powerful growth trajectory towards completion, and us seeking romance to swiftly resolve this state of tension, it is no wonder all unfolds as it does. How many romantic conflicts are just the repeated disappointment of a person not providing this internal resolution? 

I must say overcoming these aforementioned problems in perception, just to illustrate these dynamics, is challenging in itself. I don't know if we can ever fathom their full dimensionality, or if there can ever be language to describe. 

If nothing else, hopefully, I've demonstrated that for as long as the inner continues to become the outer, love can only ever be understood from a place of wholeness. How nice, though, to one day turn around and find you became the very thing you were hoping to find. Even more glorious is this meeting place of wholeness, and the freedom to perceive a love greater than you ever imagined.



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