Disembodied Perfection

There is a transition we make in childhood that I can only describe as a misguided anchoring into what is known. It is the devolution from meeting life as a "bumbling child explorer" to "instantaneous self-accountability". 

I, personally, experienced this in a way that felt quite jarring. It was as though a new dimension was overcast onto my perception. Moments of understandable childhood ignorance suddenly gave me pause. I should know better. That's embarrassing. I'm behind everyone. 

I was now greeting life with self-imposed condemnation for not knowing everything about being a person. In principle, I was living with the perpetual shock and awe of not having been born some disembodied perfection. I can now see it as a human "glitch", and, sadly, I've yet to meet a single person who is unafflicted. 

Consider the last time you were awakened to an area of needed growth. What was your emotional response? Did it feel like the elation of learning something new, or the shame of not already knowing it? Was there any perspective on your inability to know what you do not know? 

As a therapist, much of my work is asking people to forgive themselves for the natural course of growth we all must take. I often want to say "We evolved from apes. Why are we not marveling that we know anything at all?" 

As with most illogical brain functions, I know it must have a practical purpose. I'd imagine solidifying an identity, with shame to hold us captive to it, could serve the mind in some peculiar way.  I, of course, am not interested in sustaining the brain's unimaginative agenda

There seems to be no clearer enemy to our self-expansion than meeting barriers within ourselves with self-loathing. Many have already recognized this and invested much growth to the paradoxical overcoming of this barrier to growth. I just want to give voice to the insanity of it, as is my sole function here. 

More than an abysmal pause following recognition of limitations, I believe this mindset permeates greater spheres of experience. For example, conflicts are all too often a set of people practicing self-preservation of beliefs. An overt demonstration of subconscious inclinations towards sameness, likely due to the shame that awaits in our periphery. 

The aspect that disheartens me the most, is the "I should've known better" that follows sexual abuse. I've witnessed a level of personal responsibility that can only be rooted in mental paradigms and not reality. 

None of this makes any sense. If only life's obstacles could be moved through without the added anxiety of not already being on the other side, I wonder what magic would be unleashed. 

If we are going to evolve our species, as is my intention with this little blog, this shit needs to go. 


...and any excuse for some Sufjan Stevens. Here is "I Should've Known Better." 

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